So, I hastily wrote my last blog entry as I was overdue to go to bed. I didn't spend as much time organizing my thoughts as I often might.
It occurred to me, as I lay in bed later, that I began the blog entry discussing my own inhibitions about outing myself as a submissive, and a chastity belt wearer (though the jury is still WAY out on the whole submissive issue). My initial premise was that it defied my own internal hard-wired image of how a man should act. I spent the bulk of the blog building up to that fact.
Then, I suddenly connected the thoughts about women's perceptions of men in chastity, and how my hind-brain also has some pretty deep conditioning about how I wish to be perceived by women as a romantic interest. Hmm.
So, somewhere along the line, the notions of other's perception of me became mired with the compulsion to be viewed as a viable romantic interest. My childhood conditioning gives me the same guidance for both - "Be Macho". Fighting that conditioning gives me the same discomfort in either case.
It's entirely possible that this deep-seated conditioning contributes to my inability to take a submissive mindset, and my total distaste for cross-dressing and gender play (though I do enjoy and respect my sissy gurl friends). It might even contribute to my masochism. I'm told I have a relatively high pain threshold, though it's not something I ever aspired to. From my martial arts days, I KNOW there's always someone who can hit harder. I'm not (consciously) competitive about that. Still, the thought of someone knowing that I get tremendous pleasure from pain play does not challenge me in the way that having someone know that I like to relinquish control in the bedroom would, or example.
Just more "Hmmmm" thoughts churning in the early morning.
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