Friday, December 31, 2010

Wishing you a Happy New Year

Just a quick note to wish all my readers a Happy New Year.  May you have an exciting and successful year of communication of your wants, desires and dreams about chastity play, and may all those dreams come true.

Happy New Year!

Monday, December 27, 2010

Themes that rub her "happy chastity" buttons

So, for the purposes of this post, as most of them, I assume that the chastity device wearer is male, and the keyholder is female.  That's the case for the overwhelming majority of couples dabbling in chastity anyway.  I'll also assume that the couple is NOT in a D/s relationship, but rather doing chastity play as a bedroom game.  As I've stated before, I assume this represents the majority of couples.

It's difficult for me to speak to the motivations of a woman holding the keys, since I'm not one.  However, I've been involved in forums and conversations about chastity for years.  Hopefully I can do some justice to the topic.

The Challenges
Obviously, being a keyholder has its challenges.  A KH is assuming responsibility for the sexual fulfillment of the wearer as well as herself.  That's a lot of responsibility, and she may not really want it.  Also, a KH may feel a tension  between keeping him locked up, and having access to his penis for her own pleasure.  I think overcoming those challenges is a topic for a LOT of blog posts, few of which I'm qualified to discuss.  However, I can relate some comments from KH's I've heard about enjoying about chastity play. There are a few common threads I've picked up on:

The Rewards

Reduced pressure for sex - A lot of keyholders state that it's a relief to not feel pressured for sex all the time.  In their normal, vanilla marriage, they may have felt obligated to perform occasionally, even when they didn't want to.  Once the KH becomes comfortable with the Power Exchange of chastity play, she comes to discover that if she's not in the mood, she doesn't have to.  Being the sole person in charge of deciding "yes or no" tonight removes a lot of frustration or guilt she may have felt previously.

Security - Some KH's report that they feel a sense of security when their man is locked in the chastity device.  Some even feel anxious or irritable when their man is not wearing.  Perhaps it's some mild anxiety about infidelity, but more likely, it's an anxiety that the man is masturbating because she may not be meeting his sexual needs.   Once he's locked up, the woman knows that she is the sole provider of his sexual experience, and that it will happen on her terms.

Romance & Attraction - Many men struggle with (or enjoy) feeling emasculated by wearing a chastity device for their woman.  However, the experience for women seems to be totally different.  Many women report feeling that it's a romantic gesture for their man to devote their sexuality to them exclusively.  Since men are so in love with their own penis, it's perceived as a sign of true devotion if ht is willing to give up control in this way.

Better Sex - It seems counter-intuitive that a having a man's penis locked up would lead to better sex, but it often does.  Chastity play helps redefine the goals of sex.  Couples often fall into the trap that sex is defined around the male orgasm.  If his orgasm is taken out of the mix, the needs of the woman become the primary concern.  Her orgasms become the focus of attention.  Since many women don't experience orgasms easily via penetration anyway, the penis isn't really necessary for the woman to have great sex. 

Attention - Many men report submissive feelings while in chastity.  Quite often, they redirect their sexual energies into doing things to please their KH.   Even if they're not in a D/s relationship, this attention can be quite pleasing to the woman.

Control - This is more of a D/s notion.  However, many women grow to enjoy the sense of control, and the power exchange of chastity play.  It's not uncommon for chastity play to become a bridge to more power exchange.  Some couples start with chastity, and branch into pain play, cross-dressing or other expressions of Dominance and submission.   Chastity may become a "gateway kink" leading the couple to lots of other avenues.

In Conclusion

These were some common themes I've seen among women who discuss chastity play.  I'd love for women to comment on their thoughts on this one.  There is such a large disparity in numbers between men interest in chastity and women, that the men really need a hand in understanding a woman's motivations.  I hope this post is somewhat helpful in that regard, but ladies, please do set me straight if you have other thoughts!

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Fiction: Happy New Year

Happy New Year
Copyright 2010 by mikecb

My imagination was running wild, as my Wife slowly secured my hands above me on our four-poster bed.  I recalled two weeks ago, when we discussed what we wanted to do for New Years Eve.  I was delighted by her suggestion – “Let’s stay in.  I want to tie you to the bed, and have my way with you while the clock ticks down.”

Naturally, I was thrilled by the prospect.  She had locked me into my stainless steel chastity tube in late September.  Aside from a few supervised cleanings, I had not been out, nor had an orgasm in three months.  Of course, at no time during these three months had she done without all the orgasms she wanted!  My hands, tongue, a strap-on dildo and her beloved Hitachi were all at her beck and call.  Oh how I’ve loved to bring her to convulsing orgasm, even if it meant that I spent have the night trying to get comfortable with my cock swollen in its cage, while she slept contentedly beside me. 

As New Years approached, my hormones, which had actually settled into a low idle, began ramping up.  It was exacerbated by my Wife’s constant efforts.   Not only was she demanding more and more physical attention, but she was also generously lavishing it on me as well.  She’d stroke my balls as we fell asleep at night, or she’d hop in the shower with me in the morning, having me wash her gorgeous body from top to bottom.   On Christmas day, I awoke to feel her sucking my balls into her mouth, and rolling her tongue around.  I nearly went out of my mind.  Thank god our teen children sleep like the dead in the morning (even on Christmas)!  The way I thrashed around in that bed, and yelped, they may have thought someone was being murdered down the hall! 

So this evening, the kids went off to overnight New Years Eve parties at their friends houses.  My Wife and I weren’t alone for ten minutes before her hands were all over me.  We necked and groped like horny teenagers.  We barely paid attention to our late dinner, though my wife seemed to be encouraging me to drink rather heavily.  By 10:00pm I was already pretty drunk, and extremely horny, as she tied me to the bed.   She put a blindfold on me, and a few moments later, I felt her working at my chastity tube and trying to get it off.  I’ll admit I was quite aroused, and she had to struggle to get me out of it.  With a few “Ouch!” “Oof!” and “Hey!” exclamations, she finally extricated me.   I was bound and helpless on the bed as I heard her go into the master bathroom and rustle around.  A few minutes later, I felt her push a towel under my ass, and I heard the telltale sound of shaving cream being dispensed from the can. 

She had done this before, of course, and it’s always delicious.  She rubbed the slippery foam all around my member and balls.  I keep my upper legs and torso shaved clean for her, so she just had to do the places that I couldn’t reach behind the chastity tube.  I was rock hard in her hands, as I felt the razor sliding down the length of me, removing the stray hairs.  She took a few damp cloths, and removed all the soap, taking the opportunity to clean me very well.  It had been a few weeks since my last cleaning, and I’m sure she wanted me spotless for the games to come.   She finished by rubbing some lotion on me, to make my skin soft and smooth.  She slowly slid her hands up and down the length of my cock, squeezing hard and slow.  My toes curled with the sensations, and my breath grew short.  After a moment of delightful torment, she stopped, leaving my cock pointing straight up.  My hips involuntarily pumped, trying to find something to touch my hungry penis.

“Give me a few minutes, now, I’ve got a surprise for you.” she said, in a seductive voice.   She moved around the room then, and I heard her go in and out of the bathroom a few times.  I felt my cock bobbing obscenely in front of me for a time, but I slowly lost my erection as I awaited the surprise.  I heard her exclaim from the bathroom “Hey!” and a moment later, I felt her crawl onto the end of the bed.  An instant later, I felt her warm embrace as she once again began stroking and pumping my member.  In moments I was fully aroused again.  She stroked me a few more times, and then quickly let go, once again leaving me humping the air above the bed as my cock sought her hands.  I felt her hop out of bed and go back to what she was doing.

A few minutes later, I heard her turn on the bedroom TV, and tune it to one of the New Years Eve shows.  Ryan Seacrest and Dick Clark were hosting the countdown.  It was after 11:00pm already.  She turned down the volume until it was fairly low, and then I felt her climb onto the bed again.  This time, she pulled my shrinking manhood into her mouth, and swirled her tongue around the tip of it.  I was instantly rock hard again, going insane with lust!   She licked down the underside of my cock and balls, and then withdrew again.  However, this time she came to the head of the bed and whispered “Time for your surprise!”   She took off the blindfold, and as my eyes focused, I beheld the most incredible transformation I’d ever witnessed.  Fifteen minutes ago, my Wife, the mother of my children tied me to the bed.  Now, a sex goddess was revealed before me.

She was dressed in a sheer red silky top with a black lace bra beneath.  Even under two layers of cloth, I could see her nipples straining against the sheer fabric.  Her tiny black g-string was also evident through the sheer material.  She was wearing garters and sexy black stockings, with shiny red pumps.  Her hair was pulled back, with just a few strands hanging over her eyes, giving her a defiant and sexy look.  Her lipstick was bright red, but her eye shadow was dark, giving her an intense appearance.  She wore lace gloves up to her elbows, and minimal jewelry.  I saw her wedding band through the lacy gloves, and the diamond ear rings I had given her for our last anniversary.  Of course, she finished the outfit with her gold necklace with the key to my chastity tube dangling in her cleavage. 

She smothered me with kisses, then, as I melted beneath her touch.  I was restrained, still, and couldn’t reach out to take her in my arms.  The sensations she lavished onto my body were heightened by the alcohol.  I was abuzz with delight as she kissed her way down the center of my chest, and once again took me into her mouth.  She sucked and nibbled me to full hardness, before withdrawing slightly.  Then, she began to whisper dirty little fantasies to me.  She knows it drives me wild!   “Maybe this will be the year I out you to Bill and Naomi,” she whispered.  Bill and Naomi are our neighbors, and Naomi is my wife’s closest friend.  She often teases that she’s going to tell Naomi about our chastity lifestyle.   She continued.  “I’m sure with a few drinks, we could get them skinny dipping with us again, like when the kids were little.  Of course, this time, they’d both see that I keep you locked up!”  As she said it, she squeezed my penis tightly, and stroked a few more times.  I squirmed in delight.  “Maybe I could even get her to kiss me again”, she said.  She leaned over, and licked my lips, sloppily, running her tongue all over my face.  My heart was pounding, and my breath was short as I thought about them making out while I was locked in my chastity tube.

Then she took my cock in just her finger and thumb, and stroked it lightly.  “Or, maybe I should get myself a big strapping bull this year, with a nice fat cock, not like this little thing.”  She wiggled my cock between her fingers.  "I could let a real man fuck me, and let you lick me clean."  I knew that was just dirty talk.  She’d never sleep with another man, but still, my hormones were kicking into overdrive!  Again, she stroked me to the edge of climax, and stopped.  She knows my body so well.  She ran no risk of me coming before she wanted me to.  She knows how to push all my mental as well as physical buttons.

She paused in her attentions and looked over at the TV.  “Only 20 minutes left in 2010, my love, “ she began, “I have another thought.  Maybe it’s time to lock you up for a full year. .. Remember when we talked about that?”  She was stroking me again.  She squirted a little lube into her palm, and rubbed it on my shaft.  My eyes were closed, and I was lost in the sensations of her hand sliding along my hungry cock.   “How hot would THAT be?!?  Knowing that you would not have an orgasm at all in 2011!  Does that turn you on as much as me?”  She was stroking me again, closer to climax.  My hips were thrusting up and down.  “Oh my god!” I sighed.  “That’s SO fucking hot!” 

“Mmmm!” my wife exclaimed.  I could hear the smile in her voice.  She began breathing harder, in sympathy with my own body convulsing beneath her.  “I want to do it.  I want to lock you up all year!  Oh, that would be so hot!”  I felt some movement, and looked up to see that she had taken one hand away from my cock, and was rubbing it in her own crotch.  She urgently tugged at the tie on her g-string, and tossed it aside.  She began rubbing her slick hand across her naked, smooth sex.  She was into this!  She doubled over a little, as she began urgently rubbing herself.  I saw her eyes, staring off into nowhere as she masturbated herself with one hand, and half-heartedly stroked my cock with the other.  Her breathing became more urgent.  “Ooh… Ohhh ya.. Oh!  I want to do it!”

She slowed, then, and paid more attention to her other hand.  She began to stroke me again.  She took more lube, and squirted it directly onto my cock and balls.  With both hands, she swished the smooth liquid all over.  I was beside myself with the sensations.  “Oooh!  Haaaa!” I exclaimed.  My wife was relentless.  As I’d get close, she’d slow down.  As I recovered, she’d speed up.  “Do you want to do it?” she asked.  “A whole year?  Let’s do it!  I want to!  Let’s do it!  Will you do it for me?”  Her questions got more urgent.  I was thrashing on the bed, enjoying this dirty talk when it started to sink into my alcohol drenched brain that she might be serious.  She was stroking, still, vigorously.  I could barely think straight.  I mean, sure, we had talked about this fantasy before.  She had gotten me off on it more than once.  In fact, they were some of the hottest tease sessions we ever had.  But, now, I think she was actually serious.  With my wits barely about me, I asked “Really?  I mean, for real?”   “Oh, yes!”  she exclaimed.  Her hand was back on her sex.  She was masturbating again.  I heard the sloppy sounds of her moist lips being roughly fondled.  “For real!” she said.  “No orgasms in 2011.  That’s your surprise.   I’ve been thinking about it for weeks.  I want it so bad…. but I wouldn’t do it unless you….” she was getting herself pretty worked up.  “.. unless you said OK.  I need you to say it!   Tell me you’ll do it!  Do it for me…I know if you promise me... you won't try to cheat or back out.....   Promise me!"

She took her hand from her vagina, and stuck it in my mouth.  My senses exploded with the taste of her.  Her other hand began stroking me again, more vigorously.  “The clock… it’s winding down… you need to say it honey.  There’s only two minutes left!”  She stroked me harder.  She wanted me to agree to no orgasms in 2011 before the clock struck midnight.  I was insane with lust.  I looked at the TV.  The timer was running now, there was 1:45 left.   If I was going through with this, I had to tell her NOW, so she could bring me off.  There would be no orgasms in 2011.  There were literally seconds left before my last orgasm for the year.  I could tell she wanted to bring me off as close as possible to the ball dropping in Times Square.

“OK!” I exclaimed, as she twirled her thumb on the end of my penis.  “Hooo..  Hookay.  A year.  Let’s do it!”  “Really?!? she exclaimed.  You’re sure?!?”  It was less than 90 seconds now.  “Yes, yes, I’m sure.  I promises.  Hurry, ha… ha…. hurry!”  My wife started stroking me more intently.  The clock got to 1:20, and she slowed.  My legs were thrashing and sweat was flowing from my brow.   She took her hands away.  Why was she stopping? 

She reached under the bed, and grabbed her Hitachi.  She threw the switch and shoved it under my balls.  The vibrations were intense.  One minute…  45 seconds.  I felt the climax approaching like a freight train.  I clenched down hard, holding back for the inevitable explosion.  My back was arched and my toes were curled.  "Ahhhh!  Ahhh!"  I cried.

Suddenly, my wife pulled the Hitachi away.  She shoved it against her clit and shrieked “Oooh!”  I looked up.  The clock ticked down to 30 seconds as she moaned in ecstasy with the vibrator against her clit.   “Honey, hurry!”  I looked at her with a panicked expression.  When she looked back, I was amazed by what I saw.  Her eyes were glazed as she ground the Hitachi against her pussy, but as she looked me in the eye, she shook her head "No", and grinned fiendishly.  20 seconds.

I hadn’t cum in 3 months.  I was so horny I was about to explode.  I had just agreed to no orgasms in 2011, assuming I was just about to have the biggest climax of my life!  Instead, my wife brought me to the precipice and left me hanging.   “That’s not fair!  I shouted.  She ignored me shrieked as the first of the orgasms overtook her.  “10…. 9… 8”   The TV was turned down low.  "Honey!" I screamed.  I could barely hear the countdown over my wife’s moans and growls.  “3… 2... 1……. Happy New Year!!!!!”   I looked at my wife in shock.  She drank in the expression on my face, and then doubled over, still grinding the Hitachi into her groin.  She began convulsing then, making guttural noises, gasps and moans.  She buried her face in the mattress as she screamed in the most intense orgasm I’ve ever seen her experience.

I lay there, with my cock throbbing and drooling pre-cum, as my wife composed herself.  I was still in shock by what transpired.  She finally opened her eyes and looked at me, with a dreamy expression.  “You wouldn’t…”  I began.  “We will!” she interrupted, sharply.  I was angry as I drew a breath to argue with her.  She put her hand over my mouth.  “If you’re a good boy, one year from now you’ll be in this bed, and we’ll be counting down the seconds to the most intense orgasm of your life.  If you give me any shit, maybe it won’t be until our anniversary!”  Her words stole the air from my vocal cords.  Our anniversary is in June.  That would make it 18 months.  I looked at her eyes and understood the truth.   Her next words were redundant.   “I’m serious.”

So I began 2011, already 3 months without an orgasm, expecting none for the entire year.  My wife began to stroke me again, gently.  “I can make it a really fun year for you, you know,” she said playfully.  As the hormones raged, I had to admit to myself that, yes, she was right.   I set aside my conflicting emotions and acquiesced.  I leaned forward to collect a kiss.

“Happy New Year,” I said.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Chastiy, Orgasm Control, Body Electric and Tantra

So, I was listening to Savage Love #218 this morning and was intrigued by one of the calls.   A caller was suggesting that her boyfriend attend a "Body Electric" seminar.  Well, Dan Savage got someone from the school on the phone and started quizzing him.  It turns out that the Body Electric seminars are predominately gatherings of men, who spend some time tapping into erotic energy with each other.  It starts with simple touch, but builds toward erotic genital massage.    The goal was not orgasm, but rather the build up of erotic energy without releasing it.  The rep from the school began to extol the virtues of this kind of training.   He suggested that by building up this energy and allowing to spread within the body, it would facilitate healing, clarity, pleasure and emotional release.   He likened the practice to tantra and other spiritual disciplines.

Now, I don't really believe in the tantric and spiritual aspects of this stuff, but I sure do understand the physiological aspects of teasing, denial and extreme arousal. 

Of course, as Dan dug into it, and by listening to the rep from the school, this really sounded like a Gay men's retreat for learning tantric sex techniques.  However, near the end of the call, the rep said that he had made follow-up calls to straight men who had attended the workshops.  They reported that their wives found them to be better, more patient lovers.  They were no longer as focused on their own orgasm, as on their wives pleasure.  Some of the wives were also a little turned-on, by the man-on-man action their husbands got while at the retreat,. heh

So, it's interesting to me that chastity play is a somewhat more secular version of these more mystical sex practices.  Chastity play increases the sexual energy of the male, certainly, and often helps him focus more on the pleasure of his lady. 

Whether through mystical eroticism or orgasm denial, ultimately the woman has an intense, and perhaps spiritual experience.  At a minimum, she's probably going to yell "Oh god!  Oh god!" a few times!  ;-p  What could be better?!?

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Themes that rub his "happy chastity" buttons

A while back, I posed a question on Chastity Forums about those things that really turn guys on when they think about being locked in chastity.  Some of these are fantasies, and some are things that may really go on in their relationships. I made a laundry list of things I could think of, and solicited feedback and additions.

It's been a while, so I've read back through the conversation, and counted up the things that struck people's hot buttons.  Now, the results surprised me a little, until I considered the audience.  The active members on Chastity Forums are predominately married folks, trying to make male chastity and orgasm control work within the context of their non-D/s marriages.  The largest majority of the responses were from men, so I'll stick to those results for this blog. 

Tease and Denial (7 votes) - This is the idea of being locked and receiving intimate attention without orgasm.  This is an obvious no-brainer for men who suggest chastity play to their partners.

Non-reciprocal sex (giving, but not receiving orgasms) (7 votes) - Another obvious one, I think.  Giving pleasure without receiving it is its own form of Tease and Denial, and also increases the sense of intimacy.  For those into D/s, I think this also rubs some of the subservient pleasure buttons.

Humiliation - outed to KH's female friends (5 votes) - This one wasn't on my original list specifically, but got so much mention that it warranted its own category.  I find it interesting that it was mentioned as a HOT, HOT, HOT fantasy many times, but in real life there's not a lot of it going on.  Perhaps it's too scary for the KH to discuss this intimate secret with her friends?  Perhaps she thinks her partner doesn't really want her to tell a friend, even though he fantasizes about it?  Over the years, I can think of 2 or 3 times I've heard people relate stories (that I was willing to believe) of a friend or family member being let in on the chastity secret.  In every case, it turned out OK, and it was an immense rush for the wearer.  Perhaps the votes are telling a tale here, and the KH's should hear it? 

Long term chastity (weeks, months, years without release) (5 votes) - This one surprised me a little. too.  This is a major turn-on of mine, but I didn't realize how widely desirable it was.  Now, I didn't differentiate between "fantasy" and "reality" when I asked about turn-ons, so that could temper the results a little.  It's also interesting because, though this is a hot fantasy, one common theme of complaints among men in chastity is when they've been locked up for a long time without attention.  Perhaps the key to success is to keep up the Tease and Denial and Non-reciprocal sex during the long dry spell for the man.

Predicament Chastity (4 votes) - I've blogged about predicament chastity before.  This is the idea that the wearer is forced between two tough choices.  Often one choice is immediate gratification, but with an undesirable side effect, against the choice of a longer period of chastity, with a more desirable outcome.  For example, "You can cum now, but then you won't get another for at least 3 months, or I can tease you now without release, and maybe I'll let you cum next week."  These are delicious dilemmas!

Body Service (massage, mani-pedi, shaving) (4 votes) - I think this ties in heavily with non-reciprocal sex.  Just the notion of paying this intimate attention to his partner keeps a man's libido peaked. 

Female Domination (3 votes) - This is a full-on D/s relationship, which extends past chastity play and into lifestyle.  This will warrant another whole blog post later, but it does appear that some couples that began with simple chastity play, slowly take D/s out of the bedroom into larger and larger aspects of their lives. I think that's really neat and exciting, but I'll blog about my thoughts there another time.  I think I have too much to say about it.

Semen consumption (3 votes) - This is another one that warranted its own category.  I had basically lumped it with humiliation play in my own mind.  A lot of men fantasize about consuming their own seed when they're at the peak of pre-orgasmic excitement, but the moment they climax, the notion becomes repellent.  I've seen some reports of success with ruined orgasms, in this regard. They're still horny enough to actually go through with it after they climax.  Also, I think some men are embarrassed by this desire, and want to be "forced" to do it.

Strap-on sex (giving or receiving) (2 votes) - Again, I think this falls into both non-reciprocal sex, and tease and denial.  I think being pegged may also have some submissive or even bi-curious appeal.

Mounding - bodymod (2 votes) - This one had appeal to some men as well as women.  The notion is that a body modification is done which essentially sews the penis downward and wraps it in the testicles.  The result is a man with no outward appearing genitalia, but with all his sex drive and desire intact.   I think it appeals on a number of fronts, including the notion of permanent chastity, as well as an aesthetic feminization of the man.  This mounding concept is explored here on the Male Protection blog.

Chaste from birth/childhood/adolescence (2 votes) - This is strictly from the fantasy realm, but there was definitely some common interest in the fantasy of a Femdom reality, in which boys are divided at a very young age, and some are destined to be breeders, and others for permanent chastity.  I suspect most of those turned on by this fantasy want to be the boys who are locked up, and forced by destiny to be the perpetual horny virgins who've never even experienced an orgasm.

Toilet Service (golden showers, scat) (2 votes) - Specifically, only watersports were addressed in the forums.  I don't recall anyone saying "pick me" for the scat fantasies. hehe.  One man acknowledged this as a fantasy, only to have his wife post immediately afterward "I learn something new everyday!"   Enjoy, you two!  I'll be watching your blog!  ;-p

Pain play / CBT ( 2 votes) - I was a little surprised this wasn't higher on the list, since I'm a total pain slut myself.  However, I did ask people to tell me their top two or three, so perhaps it's popular, but not at the top of people's lists.  Then again, maybe I'm just a masochistic freak.

Permanent, irrevocable chastity (the mythical un-removable device) (1 vote) - Being a group of mostly married and sexually active people, this result doesn't surprise me much.  I think the fantasy is also tempered by the difficulty in "suspending disbelief" over such a device, since many of us spend a great deal of time blogging about our struggles to find something that's comfortable, even for a week at a time!

Domestic Service (house cleaning, etc) (one vote) - I think this leans more toward a D/s fantasy than a chastity related one.  If I were to ask these questions in a more D/s or Femdom audience, I would expect this result would have been higher.  I know that house cleaning and domestic chores are a great source of pleasure for many men in the Femdom blogs I read.

Humiliation - loaned out to friends for "service" (1 vote) - This is a more specialized kink, I imagine.  "Service" can mean many things, and I didn't define it.  It may be house cleaning, body service, or even sexual service.  I didn't distinguish, and this didn't generate much conversation. 

Humiliation - outed at kinky gatherings - kept chaste (1 vote) - I should probably change this to a "2", since I think this is kind of hot myself.  The original mention was the notion of attending something like Hedonism, but with kinky folk, and being outed as a chastity device wearer for the duration.   I guess a caveat, in my mind, is that if you're at a kinky gathering, chastity play is really fairly mainstream. Would it really feel humiliating?   For example, I attended the Chastity Mansion Gathering this past Fall, and was there in a chastity device.  However, so were most of the other men.  I wouldn't say it rubbed any "Humiliation" buttons.  If anything, I felt a sense of solidarity, being among other chastity enthusiasts.

Nullification by device (no votes)  - This is the notion of wearing a full chastity belt, and enjoying the sensation of "nullification" because you have absolutely no access to the genitals.  I personally find this kind of hot, but it didn't get much attention on the forum.  In fact, one of the female members actively disliked the idea, stating that she preferred to see the male genitals locked in a tube, rather than hidden away.

Sissification (no votes) - I think this was simply a function of the audience.  If I asked this question at Chastity Mansion, I'm sure this would have been a top contender.

Female Supremacy (no votes) - This is Femdom taken to the next level, where the sub believes that all females are inherently superior to males.  Not a lot of bites on that one.  I think most folks on the Chastity Forums, myself included, think that the notion of Female Supremacy is as flawed as White Supremacy or Religious Supremacy.

Forced same-sex intimacy (no votes) - I originally called this "Forced Homosexuality", and a few people took exception to the term.  I agree that it was a poor choice (though I still think it reads easier, so nyaa! *sticks out tongue*).  ;-p   I think Bi-curious and same-sex fantasies seem more prevalent in some of the D/s blogs than in the Chastity Forums.  It may just be a function of the active and vocal people at the moment.

Cuckholding (no votes) - This one surprised me.   It wasn't even really discussed much in the realm of fantasy.  Whereas, on Chastity Mansion, it's a very popular and recurring topic.  I guess people just self-select to the forums that best match their interests.

In conclusion
So, what does all this mean?  Well, folks into chastity have some pretty common fantasies.  That's really cool.  The fact that we can write them down in a short list can be helpful in discussing them with a partner.  Several of the kink web sites have "checklists" where two kinky people can check the boxes, and see areas of common interest or disinterest.  Perhaps a couple new to chastity should take a look down this list, and say "This one makes me hot" or "This one makes me want to hurl!"  It's all about communication, after all.   Also, who knows?  You may dust off the list a year later, and the answers may have changed.

Talk about it!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Topping from the bottom - when is it OK?

I've you've read my blog at all, you know I've got a pet peeve about the massive volume of bad prescriptive advice out there for the newcomers to male chastity.   One topic frequently raised is Topping from the Bottom.

Just to make sure we're all on the same page.  In this context, Topping from the Bottom would be situations in which the chastity belt wearer is trying to direct the actions of the Keyholder.  Most of the blogs and resources out there will go out of their way to remind men not to Top from the Bottom as they work with their partner to take on the role of Keyholder.  I've read blog after blog in which the man says something like "I really wanted her to do thus and so, but I didn't want to Top from the Bottom, so I didn't talk to her about it."

As I've mentioned, time and again, one base fallacy that we're constantly confronted with is that most resources for novices to chastity play assume that this play is based in a D/s relationship.  I just don't think that's true. I think a lot of people do "bedroom" chastity play without the larger power exchange of a D/s relationship.  So, while Topping from the Bottom may undermine a D/s relationship, in a GGG sexual relationship involving chastity play, sometimes Topping from the Bottom may actually be helpful!  Belle, over on the Chastity Forums put it beautifully this morning in one of the forum threads. One of the men was discussing his wife's difficulties in taking on the role of Keyholder.  Belle offered this great tidbit.

Best advice I can offer is Talk, Talk, Talk.

I have issues taking control, and Jnuts at times needs to give me nudge in the direction of what he needs. He considers this topping from the bottom, I don't. He is not my slave/sub and I want and need his feedback, guidance. I know you said you were up with a teething child, so you have young ones at home. My experience is that I become so focused on their needs that I tend to ignore Jnuts and myself. It is not done on purpose, and I need him to pull me back..

So there's a beautiful example where Topping from the Bottom in a non-D/s relationship actually helped the couple stay on track to realizing their mutual vision of male chastity play.

It's not all whips, chains and stiletto heels.  For many couples, the only power exchange going on is the one in which the wearer has given the Keyholder the power to choose when he has his orgasms.  In those relationships, sometimes the Keyholder needs a little help to make sure it remains GGG and mutually enjoyable.   As Belle said - "Talk, Talk, Talk".

BTW, Belle and Jnuts have their own blog, "Nuts 4 Belle".  Check it out.  If it's not already on your list of favorites, it should be.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Fail: I just had sex

Thank you Anonymous for pointing out the failed link in my post "I Just Had Sex".  The link to the video coverage is now corrected, but can also be viewed here, so you don't have to click back to the other one.

Sorry 'bout that & enjoy watching!

An image is worth a thousand fantasies

So, I ran into this picture on tumblr today.   It brings to mind so many childhood fantasies.  A million years ago (you know, the 70s), back when I was in Junior High School, swimming was a required phys-ed class.  The pool was isolated enough that the boys swam naked.  Of course, it was NOT co-ed.  I understand the girls were issued uniform one-piece swimsuits for their classes.  You know, I think they were even red.  I remember my sister complaining about how badly they fit.

I remember as a young teen fantasizing about the girls, in their loosly fitting swimsuits.  I recall a vivid dream, from back then, in which I was forced to make up a swim class I had missed, and the only class available was a girl's class.  I remember being forced out of the locker room, naked, to stand beside the pool with the girls.  I was humiliated by my raging boner as the girls giggled, and woke up.  Of course, the raging boner wasn't just in my dream!

Anyway, this picture brought back all those memories.  What a wonderful image.  I wonder what it's from?  The girl on the left certainly can't keep her eyes off the lad's assets. 

What great fantasy fodder!  Maybe all the boys should be wearing chastity belts?  Maybe the girl with the clipboard is inspecting them, and they're sorting the well-hung bulls from the soon to be chaste slave boys?   Oh, so many ideas!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Role playing to understand expectations in chastity games

I saw a fascinating post on Chastity Mansion today.  I thought I'd briefly summarize it. 

mobico69 and his wife are new to chastity play, and had been struggling with the notion of her really taking control of the keys.  He felt that, basically, any time he asked, she would hand them over.  This really diminished the sense of lost control that he craved.  Eventually, they made an attempt to work through it with a role-play conversation, in which they reversed roles.  She played the whiny chaste husband who wanted out, and he played the uncompromising keyholder, who ultimately punished him by lengthening his time in, and requiring some corporal punishment.

Now, of course, different couples may choose to establish different ground rules, but what I found most interesting about his post was simply the notion of role reversal.  It helped her see what he was after.  Perhaps it also helped him understand some of her concerns. 

I imagine all sorts of interesting things could pop out of a role play like this.  In their particular case, she role played him by getting angry and swearing.  Perhaps she has a fear of it turning into a large argument.  Conversely, when she pushed hard demanding release, he played an uncompromising KH, who extended the length of the lockup, and even threatened some Cock and Ball Torture before it was done.  Clearly, he is interested in longer lockups as a threat, as well as playing with some corporal punishment.

Each of them may have learned something in that conversation.  Did he know she was afraid of an angst filled argument?  Was she aware that he also craved CBT as part of the game? 

I don't know if this would work well for all couples, but for those who have a mature and open dialog, it may yield fascinating and helpful results.

I'd love to hear opinions on this topic.  Do you think it would work in your relationship?

Orgasm Frequency Considerations

There seem to be a lot of different ideas about how long a chastity belt wearer should be locked up between releases.  As with almost any topic related to chastity, there are some small nuggets of wisdom out there, interspersed among a heaps and heaps of crap.  I'd like to examine the topic a little.

Initial Lockdown

There is a fair amount of material out in the internet discussing how long a man should be locked up without orgasm, after the initial fit and comfort issues are resolved with the chastity device.  A few of the early popular books and guides on chastity were written from a Femdom perspective.  Several of the influential Dommes suggested some pretty substantial periods for the initial lock-down.   It was not uncommon to see recommendations of  3 to 6 months, or even a year, once the initial comfort and fits are resolved, to "put him in the proper submissive frame of mind".

My biggest problem with these guides is that they are written from a Femdom perspective, and not from the perspective of a consensual couple, who are indulging in chastity play to enhance their relationship.  Let's face it.  Thousands and thousands of CB-xxxx devices have been sold.  Only a small minority of the couples playing with those things regularly are living a D/s lifestyle.  So, the prevailing prescriptive advice from the chastity "authorities" has very little use to the largest majority of couples indulging in chastity play.  In fact, I would argue that it's a disservice.  It feeds into the stereotypical fiction that everyone who wants to play with chastity devices wants to be locked up, enslaved, cuckholded and feminized. It's off-putting.  It's also setting a lot of false expectations, out there, in the heads of chastity novices.  For example, in the last few months, I've seen several posts on forums from men, new to chastity, asking "How long should my Wife lock me up the first time?  3 months?"  This is even before they've had the first conversation with their wives about chastity play.  It's a train-wreck in the making.  They're not in a D/s relationship.  They're trying to learn how this chastity stuff works, and the prevailing advice is that their wife should lock them up for 3 months.  Ugh!  It's no wonder that so many initial conversations about chastity devices fail, when the men finally screw up the courage to discuss it with their partners.

Now, if a couple is into a D/s dynamic, a long lock-down like this might work.  However, I would argue it's the "cold turkey" approach to beginning with chastity play.  I would imagine that few couples into D/s started their relationship "full steam ahead".  They worked slowly, built trust, and slowly broadened the power exchange.  Asking a man to go from, probably, daily masturbation to total loss of control of his orgasms, and denial of orgasms for months at a time is anything but a gradual increase in that power exchange.  Would it work in some couples?  Sure.  Do I think it's the best approach?  Hell no.  YMMV.

Release schedule in a non-D/s relationship

I've blogged before about Fixed vs Non-fixed release dates.  That consideration aside, how often is "right"?  What kind of targets should the KH be setting?  Well, that's a complex question.  A lot of factors go into it.
  • Does the KH get satisfaction from making him climax?
  • Does the KH want or prefer vaginal intercourse?
  • Did the couple negotiate minimums or maximums for durations?
  • Are they integrating Tease and Denial?
  • Are they integrating Ruined orgasms?
  • Do they like to play games of chance to spice up the release time?
  • Does the KH struggle with guilt over the duration?
  • How old is the wearer?  Older men can often go longer.
  • How long have they been doing chastity play?  Durations may increase with experience.
  • Is their family life hectic right now?  
  • Are they working around her period?
Any and all of these things may weigh into the decision about how long.  In a non-D/s relationship, it's really a negotiation.  My suggestion is start small, and take it where you want to take it.  Some couples like to set milestones or competitive goals over time - increasing the duration.  Others are happy with a keeping it at a particular duration on an ongoing basis.  Ultimately, it's your sex life.  Make it what you want to make it.

Release schedule in a D/s relationship

In a D/s relationship, all of the considerations mentioned above come into play, and then there are behavioral factors.  The sub may be expected to perform duties, or comport himself in a particular way to earn release.  One form of "punishment" might be longer durations without release, or ruined orgasms instead of pleasurable ones. 

As I said above, I think most D/s relationships build gradually.  The power exchange builds over time, as trust builds.  I would imagine that everything that makes that a good idea for the rest of the D/s relationship would apply to chastity play as well. 

Sub Drop

One common phenomenon mentioned in a lot of the forums is the notion of "sub drop".  After an orgasm, a submissive male is often a little less interested in chastity, and D/s in general.   Some men don't experience it much at all.  Others report that sub drop can cause a loss of interest in service, chastity and domination for up to a few weeks.  Couples who experience this sometimes take that into account when considering the duration of lockups.  I've read accounts from several D/s couples in which the man prefers to be locked for 2-3 months at a time, so that it's easier to be on his best behavior for the majority of the time. 

Sub drop is a very real thing, and D/s couples should expect it.  One consideration is whether the man should be locked up immediately after orgasm, so that the "sub drop clock" restarts as quickly as possible, or whether he should be left to his own devices for a time, until he once again has submissive feelings.  Again, I think it's up to the couple to work out.  Of course, I understand that "the couple" working it out in a D/s relationship may well mean "She decides".  That, however, is really what the couple agreed to with their power exchange in the first place.

So, there's no blanket formula for deciding how long is the ideal period of lockup for a chaste male.  There are as many ways to go about it as their are couples with chastity devices.  Start gently.  Build trust.  Have fun.  That's my advice.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Chastity to curb masturbation: More thoughts

OK, so my friend Dev, who has a wonderful blog, posted a comment on my original post regarding Chastity to curb Masturbation.   Unfortunately, it wasn't coming through on the blog, though I received it via email.  She tried several times, and it just wouldn't append.  With her permission, I'm referencing it here. I really valued her opinion because it pointed out something I didn't say very well.

She rightly called me to task for suggesting that guys should use "I" statements when raising the notion of chastity to their partners.
Mike, as much as we usually see eye-to-eye on lots of chastity issues, I am going to respectfully disagree on the "I" statements. I think that is precisely the problem. I think too many guys bring it up as, "Honey, I want to wear this device. I think it will be hot. Just reading about it turns me on. I think it will be great for our sex life. Oh, please, please, can I please buy one and I will give you the keys to hold?" Hearing that, his wife says to herself, "He wants to wear WHAT? Is he a fucking pervert? He thinks it will be hot? What's hot about a bunch of plastic with a masterlock? Reading about it turns YOU on? What about ME? How much does this thing cost? $150 at a minimum? Are you fucking NUTS? And who gives a shit about the keys, anyway?"
It's become clear to me that I stated my case poorly.  Let me try again.  lol

I think the crux of the problem is that many men read a bunch of the Femdom, kinky, and sexy Chastity fiction out there, and come to believe that they have to sell it to their partners on those grounds.  They make incorrect assumptions about the things involved in chastity play that their partners might enjoy.   So, as they try to make the case for chastity play, they use these incorrect assumptions in the "you" language I referenced.

"Honey, you wouldn't have to worry about me masturbating."  
Maybe she didn't give a damn.  Maybe she LIKED you masturbating, so she didn't feel pressured for more sex.

"Honey, you could keep me locked up, and just use me at your will."   
Maybe whenever she wants sex, you're already raring to go.  What's the value add?

"Honey, you could make me do things, like the laundry or the dishes."  
Maybe she wonders, "Why don't you do those things now?!?"

My suggestion to use "I" statements would probably be more accurately put as "Don't use incorrect YOU statements."

The example I gave for "I" statements was thus: 
"Honey, I've been reading chastity belt porn, and it turns me on like a randy 14 year old!  Can we buy one of these things and play?"  
Dev pointed out:
As many have said in many places--including you in this post--guys read way too much and go in "loaded for bear" and overwhelm their wives. I think a much better approach is to start small. Have multiple small conversations instead of one big one. If the guy piques his wife's interest, she'll start asking questions. That's a good sign. And yes, focus on the benefit for BOTH of them...maybe not just YOU words or just I words but how about US words? As I have said in my blog, how about saying, "Your pleasure is our shared mutual pleasure. How about talking about something for US that might make that true?"

I agree with Dev on this point.....   I will clarify, however, that though I called it an "I" statement, the crux of it was "Can WE buy one of these things and play."   That statement says a few things to me.  First, it's seeking collaboration for mutual play.  Second, it's discussing it in terms of "play", and not as some major life-changing event.   I viewed this as the opening of a small conversation, as Dev suggests it should be.  Perhaps, however, my opening would be too forceful.  I'll bow the to the greater wisdom of the lady on that one.

For the vast majority of people getting into chastity play, it will be just that - play.  It will be predominantly be about what goes on in the bedroom, though the device would obviously be worn at other times.  I would like to suggest that asking a partner to buy a chastity device for "play" shouldn't be any more emotionally loaded than suggesting that you buy a new butt plug, or vibrator, or even a bag of pop rocks (try it, if you haven't! ;-))

But really, the crux of the blog was my frustration with a number of posts I had seen recently where the men were trying to make the "chastity sell" to their partners because they have a problem with masturbation.  Dev disagreed me with on that point as well, but I have seen a number of posts from men, recently, stating exactly that.  Really, I think this is just one of the many incorrect assumptions and suggestions being made to men about how to sell their wives on chastity play.  Masturbation may be a genuine concern to some women, but I think it's the wrong argument to make in trying to sell chastity play.  As Dev rightly points out that the conversation should be about "shared mutual pleasure".

Thank you, Dev, for those great comments!    I'm still not sure this blog completely or clearly states my thinking on this matter, but I think this is a better attempt!

Perhaps the most succinct way to summarize these two blogs is this.  If you want to sell your wife on chastity play, don't tell her you need a chastity device because you masturbate too much.  Tell her you want a chastity device because it would be something fun to do together.

Chastity to curb masturbation

I was struck, recently, but a number of introductory threads, from new members, I've seen on a few different chastity forums I've read.  I've seen dozens like this, over the years.  They all start something like this.

... yada, yada, so I want to introduce a chastity play to my wife, because I have a bad masturbation habit that she doesn't even know about... yada, yada..  It will make me more attentive, yada, yada, I'll be ready when she wants me... yada, yada, she can take control .... yada, yada

To quote Kyle in South Park, "I call shenanigans!" 

I would argue that very few men who introduce chastity play into their relationships are doing so for altruistic reasons like "It's selfish for me to have orgasms without my wife."  We men are neither that generous, nor that complex.  We want to introduce chastity play because it turns us on!   It's really that simple.

As I've suggested before, Chastity is not Celibacy.  Very few men want celibacy.  We don't introduce chastity play because we want a less erotic life with our mates.  Quite the contrary, it's a kink.  It's spice.  It's a turn-on.  It's a rush.  It's something to make our sex life more exciting,  That's why we want it.

Now, all that said, I don't think the men who make these posts are liars, or being disingenuous.  Hell, my own conversation about it with my wife sounded much like the above.  I think two things are going on.  One: A lot of men have a great deal of trouble understanding or expressing their own feelings, and Two: They've read a lot of horse-shit on the internet.

So, this poor guy is turned on beyond belief by chastity, and he doesn't know how to open up to his partner about it. So, he obsesses, surfing the internet, looking for a way to "sell it" to his mate.  He starts reading, and reading, and reading.  The next thing he knows, his head is full of stories of submission, masturbation control, cuckholding, service, and the whole nine yards.  He thinks "Great, now I've got some good ammunition to make the pitch to my partner!"

What they end up pitching is what they read on the internet.  99% of the time, it's received as just what it was.  A load of crap.

So, allow me to propose another path.  How about we pitch this to our mates in a much simpler fashion.  Let's use some "I" statements, instead of "You" statements.  Be honest.  Don't try to tell her what she'll get out of it.  Tell her what YOU will get out of it.  "Honey, I've been reading chastity belt porn, and it turns me on like a randy 14 year old!  Can we buy one of these things and play?"  

If our partner is GGG and wants us to be happy, that may be all it takes.  We don't have to make promises about service, changed behavior or god knows what else.  All we have to promise is that "This sounds sexy and fun."  If you're partner isn't game to do something sexy and fun with you, a chastity device is not going to solve the problems in your relationship.  You should most likely work on those first, rather than clouding the matter.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Fiction: Wanting Out: Her side

Wanting out: Her side
Copyright 2010 by mikecb

Dear Alyssa,

I know we haven’t chatted in over six months, but I just had to write you about the most bizarre experience that Rob and I had this morning.   I felt I had to write you, since this is obviously a topic that I just can’t bring up at the office with the girls.  It has to do with the chastity stuff that you and I were talking about last year.  I just have to tell someone or I’m going to burst!

Remember how you were giving me suggestions about spankings and pain play?  You told me that Rob would most likely want more and more of that, and I should try to get used to it.   Well, I wasn’t really thrilled with the idea, but we did try a few spanking sessions over the last few months.  You were right.  He seemed to love it and want more, but I just couldn’t get my head into it.  Putting my husband over my knee and spanking him just seemed so…  wrong.  I either felt like I was treating him like a little baby, or like I was a bad wife, hurting my husband.  It really didn’t work for me, even though he kept encouraging me to try more. 

Now, on the bright side, I’ve really grown much more comfortable holding the keys and denying him.  Back when we chatted, I was still plagued by guilt a lot of the time.  You really helped me a lot when you tried to remind me that sex isn’t all about the man’s orgasm.  That seemed to resonate with Rob too, and he was really wonderful helping me adapt to the notion that not every sexual encounter had to end with his orgasm.  After months and months, it finally started to feel like I was a teenager again.  I was thinking about this the other day.  Remember how when we were kids?  We might spend a dozen dates out with our boyfriends, just kissing and maybe letting them grope around a little, but we were inexperienced, and sex wasn’t even something we would have even considered!   At first, our boyfriends didn’t seem to mind.   Heck, they loved it!   It was funny sending them home with those tents in their pants.  They kept coming back for more.  It was hot, and sexy, and it just felt great!  I remember that I really began to feel like a Woman, back then, even though we hadn’t really had sex, or even orgasms.  Unfortunately, somehow, as time wore on, it all went to hell.  The name calling started – “cock tease” and worse.  It wasn’t long before it felt like an obligation to have sex, or at least give him a blow job, or I was the bad guy. 

That horrible pattern of expectations went on for years, until, well, like most women, I just accepted it.  It was the way sex worked.  Somehow, I totally forgot about how fun it used to be.  I was stuck in this rut, thinking that every affectionate moment had to lead to the man’s orgasm, or I was a bad person.  At least, that’s what I thought until Rob brought home that chastity tube, and tried to turn my thinking around. 

Well, as I said.  It took months and months, and coaching from both him and you, but finally, sex got to be fun again!  We’ve been acting like teenagers!  If I wanted to sit on the couch and make out for an hour, and then just go to sleep, I can do that!  There was no expectation, and, after a time, no guilt.  It was hot.  It was sexy.  Rob was eating it up.  When I finally did let him out of that tube, we’d go at it like horny kids again.  Thank GOD Silvia’s got so many activities away from home with cheerleading and the debate team.  We haven’t been so physical since before she was born!

Anyway, things were going so well!  That is, until about a month ago.  Both Rob and I got pounded with more responsibilities at work.  The economy caused both of our workgroups to be reduced, but they sure didn’t reduce the amount of work either of us had to do.  He’s been working long hours and coming home late.  I’m spending afternoons on the weekend catching up on paperwork.  All that on top of the Holidays coming up, and a bunch of Silvia’s school activities.  Well, it suffices to say that one week led to another, and soon it was more than three weeks, and Rob had been locked up without relief.  Now, that’s not an unusual length of time anymore, but we had been so busy that one or the other of us would just not have the energy to do any “maintenance”, as you called it.  I’d try to do a little teasing, but frankly, I haven’t been feeling that frisky.  He started making some pretty obvious gestures that he wanted some sexual attention, but frankly, I wasn’t in the mood.  I like our new way.  I don’t want to go back to just lying back and thinking of England whenever my husband wants to take the edge off.   I thought we had moved past that, but he got angry.
Rob had been getting progressively crankier and crankier, just like you said Tony does sometimes.  I tried to do a little teasing, but it wasn’t enough, apparently, because he just got more and more annoying.  I noticed he had stopped doing some of the little things he used to do, like ask me if I needed more coffee, or taking care of little chores.  I guess I knew he was doing more and more of that kind of thing since he had started wearing the CB, but I guess I didn’t realize how much until he stopped.  I don’t know if he did it to make me mad, or if he just didn’t even realize.  But it did make me mad.  I guess I had come to expect it, and hell, why not?  I had made a lot of concessions to indulge this chastity kink of his.  I deserved a little pampering!

Anyway, it reached a boiling point last night.  He was cranky all day.  I tried, again, at bed time to give him a little attention.  He just turned his back on me and went to sleep.  At first I was so angry.  Then I was frustrated.  The next thing I knew, I was crying.  I didn’t know what to do.  I even contemplated unlocking him and fucking his brains out, even though that would just reward him for being a real prick, not to mention the fact that I was certainly in NO mood for love making after the way he’d been acting!

Anyway, I lay awake half the night trying to figure out what to do, when I remembered how you said Tony gets.  You mentioned that sometimes he just needs a good thrashing to take the edge off.  I remember when you said that it could work better than sex, and I thought you were nuts! hehe.  Well, I was at my wits end, so I wondered if we should try to arrange another spanking session.  I don’t enjoy them, but if it would help him get his head back on straight, I was willing to try anything.

I had pretty much resolved to arrange a spanking date with him the next evening.  Silvia had a cheerleading thing.  If I could get him to run her over there, and come home, we might be able to sneak something in before running back out to get her.  Well, this morning, after Sil left for school, I started to talk about the logistics for the evening.  That’s when all hell broke loose.  Here I was trying to make arrangements to do something I knew he would love, and he started arguing with me again.  I was SO pissed.  Finally, I just yelled “Fuck it!” and threw the key to his CB at him.

I couldn’t believe I did that!  The damn key was still in mid-air, and I was already panicked.  I didn’t want him to have it!  I didn’t want him going off and jerking off.  I had never realized how possessive of his orgasms I had become until I risked giving up that control.  I wanted him in that chastity tube where he belonged!  I was horrified by what I did, but I was still so angry.  I was in a panic, thinking he’d just pick up the key and walk away!  I almost burst into tears right then in there, terrified by what might happen.

He surprised me.  He didn’t grab the key and run.  Instead, he was suddenly all “I’m sorry… That’s not what I want.”  It’s funny.  The moment I wasn’t terrified he’d make off with the key, I went right back to being pissed at him!   I was supposed to be in charge of orgasms, and he seemed to be trying to emotionally manipulate me.  I wasn’t happy about it, and I accused him of trying to change our arrangement.  Now, that wasn’t completely fair, and I’ll admit that I regretted saying it even as the words left my mouth.  I was being awfully impulsive this morning, I guess.  I chalk it up to my own frustrations! 

Anyway, as he was trying to assure me that he wasn’t trying to change anything, I was already trying to figure out how to salvage the situation.  The more I had thought about it, the more I knew in my heart of hearts that you were right.  He needed that pain play.  In fact, he didn’t need it tonight.  He needed it now.  I had to resolve this, or we were going to be at each other’s throats all day.  So, as he was begging and pleading that he wasn’t trying to change anything, I put my foot down and said “Prove it!”

I was shocked by his response.  Like I said, we haven’t really played the Dominant/submissive games much, but suddenly, he was like a little puppy.  “What do I have to do?” he asked.  I knew at that instant that I “had him”.  We could do this pain play, get it out of the way, and maybe his deplorable moods would come to an end.  I wanted him to admit it to me, though.  I wanted him to tell me he wanted some pain play.   I guess I was also being a little cruel.  I told him to “Beg”, and when he asked for “what?”, I said “Tell me what you need.” 

He really was being submissive all the sudden.  He literally went on his knees and begged me, but he was only begging me to take the keys back.  Now, I was happy I was going to get them back, but that wasn’t enough.  I knew we’d just be back where we started.   I pushed the issue and said “You still haven’t told me what you need.”   His answer shocked me again.  I guess he knew he needed pain play, but it wasn’t just masochistic pain play.  He said “I need to be punished.”  He was acting deeply, deeply submissive!

I really wasn’t ready for that.  I had assumed he’d just suggest some pain play to take the edge off.   He had certainly been asking me for it lately.  Instead, he was acting all defeated, and wanted me to “punish” him.  Like I said, I’m having a real problem with that notion.  Still, I was convinced we needed to do some pain play, or we were going to be in a really bad place, so I just said “Yes, you do.” as I scrambled to think of what to do.   I quickly hatched a plan, and ordered him to go bend over the kitchen table and drop his pants.   I wanted some kind of paddle or spatula, so I reached into the kitchen drawer to find something.  I didn’t have anything decent to use!  I was afraid they’d break.  Finally my eyes fell upon a rice paddle that my neighbor had lent me.  It looked sturdy enough.  As I walked over toward Rob, I was already trying to decide if I was going to buy her a new rice paddle, or just wash this one really well before I gave it back.  Does that make me a bad neighbor? lol

He was bent over the table, and I saw his eyes grow big when he saw the paddle.  I was trying to psyche myself into doing this.  I felt so…. awful.  Still, I was committed.   I actually started to yell at him a little, to try and get myself to the point that I could actually swing this paddle at him.  I criticized him for asking me to do this whole chastity thing with him, and then being such a bastard about it lately.  I even yelled at him for making me cry.  Well, I guess it worked.  I wound up and hit him a good one – way harder than I intended!  He yelped and jumped about a foot off the floor as he grabbed his ass!

Well, I had worked myself up pretty well.  I had no sympathy.  I screamed at him to bend back over, or I was going to smack him in the balls instead!  He bent over, and I worked harder to control my swing.  I did my best to warm him up, the way you had taught me, and then started laying into him a little harder.  Then, the strangest thing happened.  As I was hitting him, and he started yelping, I started feeling better!  With every swing, all the pent up frustrations and stress from his bad moods and the holidays were melting away.  I realized I was smiling and grunting a little with the effort, while Rob was flopping around on the kitchen table.  I figured he’d yell his safeword if it hurt too much.  But, even stranger, while I was somehow getting this savage relief from paddling his ass, he basically broke down.  He stopped yelping, and just started crying.   Somehow, I could identify with that.  Sometimes I just need a good cry to get it out of my system.  Well, Rob needed to get something out of his system, and being a man, he just couldn’t get at those emotions without some help.  I guess a paddle on the ass was what it took.

I hit him a few more times, but not very hard.  He was just sprawled on the table crying.  He needed some comfort, and to know I still loved him.  I set the paddle down, and just spooned up behind him.  I held him for a while, until the emotions ran their course.   I realized, as I held him, that my own heart was racing, but that I wasn’t angry anymore either.  Later in the day, he texted me and used the word “cathartic”.   I think that applied to both of us.

Anyway, eventually, I stood him up and turned him around.  I could tell with one glance at him that “whatever” it was that was going on inside him was gone.  He was my loving Rob again.  I gave him a hug.  It was then I noticed he had a raging boner in his chastity tube. lol.    Thank god you had talked to me about this kind of stuff, or I never would have understood.  I just laughed and called him a “perv”.  He said something very sweet in return.

We made up, and went on our way to work.  Everything seems mended, at least for now.  It seems like this spanking stuff was good for both of us.  I don’t think Rob is going to have to nag me so much about it anymore.  I have to admit, I could get to liking it!

So, thanks again Alyssa, all your advice was so helpful.  I regret we haven’t talked more in the last year.  Let’s not let that happen again!

All the best to you and Tony!