Friday, December 17, 2010

Chastity to curb masturbation: More thoughts

OK, so my friend Dev, who has a wonderful blog, posted a comment on my original post regarding Chastity to curb Masturbation.   Unfortunately, it wasn't coming through on the blog, though I received it via email.  She tried several times, and it just wouldn't append.  With her permission, I'm referencing it here. I really valued her opinion because it pointed out something I didn't say very well.

She rightly called me to task for suggesting that guys should use "I" statements when raising the notion of chastity to their partners.
Mike, as much as we usually see eye-to-eye on lots of chastity issues, I am going to respectfully disagree on the "I" statements. I think that is precisely the problem. I think too many guys bring it up as, "Honey, I want to wear this device. I think it will be hot. Just reading about it turns me on. I think it will be great for our sex life. Oh, please, please, can I please buy one and I will give you the keys to hold?" Hearing that, his wife says to herself, "He wants to wear WHAT? Is he a fucking pervert? He thinks it will be hot? What's hot about a bunch of plastic with a masterlock? Reading about it turns YOU on? What about ME? How much does this thing cost? $150 at a minimum? Are you fucking NUTS? And who gives a shit about the keys, anyway?"
It's become clear to me that I stated my case poorly.  Let me try again.  lol

I think the crux of the problem is that many men read a bunch of the Femdom, kinky, and sexy Chastity fiction out there, and come to believe that they have to sell it to their partners on those grounds.  They make incorrect assumptions about the things involved in chastity play that their partners might enjoy.   So, as they try to make the case for chastity play, they use these incorrect assumptions in the "you" language I referenced.

"Honey, you wouldn't have to worry about me masturbating."  
Maybe she didn't give a damn.  Maybe she LIKED you masturbating, so she didn't feel pressured for more sex.

"Honey, you could keep me locked up, and just use me at your will."   
Maybe whenever she wants sex, you're already raring to go.  What's the value add?

"Honey, you could make me do things, like the laundry or the dishes."  
Maybe she wonders, "Why don't you do those things now?!?"

My suggestion to use "I" statements would probably be more accurately put as "Don't use incorrect YOU statements."

The example I gave for "I" statements was thus: 
"Honey, I've been reading chastity belt porn, and it turns me on like a randy 14 year old!  Can we buy one of these things and play?"  
Dev pointed out:
As many have said in many places--including you in this post--guys read way too much and go in "loaded for bear" and overwhelm their wives. I think a much better approach is to start small. Have multiple small conversations instead of one big one. If the guy piques his wife's interest, she'll start asking questions. That's a good sign. And yes, focus on the benefit for BOTH of them...maybe not just YOU words or just I words but how about US words? As I have said in my blog, how about saying, "Your pleasure is our shared mutual pleasure. How about talking about something for US that might make that true?"

I agree with Dev on this point.....   I will clarify, however, that though I called it an "I" statement, the crux of it was "Can WE buy one of these things and play."   That statement says a few things to me.  First, it's seeking collaboration for mutual play.  Second, it's discussing it in terms of "play", and not as some major life-changing event.   I viewed this as the opening of a small conversation, as Dev suggests it should be.  Perhaps, however, my opening would be too forceful.  I'll bow the to the greater wisdom of the lady on that one.

For the vast majority of people getting into chastity play, it will be just that - play.  It will be predominantly be about what goes on in the bedroom, though the device would obviously be worn at other times.  I would like to suggest that asking a partner to buy a chastity device for "play" shouldn't be any more emotionally loaded than suggesting that you buy a new butt plug, or vibrator, or even a bag of pop rocks (try it, if you haven't! ;-))

But really, the crux of the blog was my frustration with a number of posts I had seen recently where the men were trying to make the "chastity sell" to their partners because they have a problem with masturbation.  Dev disagreed me with on that point as well, but I have seen a number of posts from men, recently, stating exactly that.  Really, I think this is just one of the many incorrect assumptions and suggestions being made to men about how to sell their wives on chastity play.  Masturbation may be a genuine concern to some women, but I think it's the wrong argument to make in trying to sell chastity play.  As Dev rightly points out that the conversation should be about "shared mutual pleasure".

Thank you, Dev, for those great comments!    I'm still not sure this blog completely or clearly states my thinking on this matter, but I think this is a better attempt!

Perhaps the most succinct way to summarize these two blogs is this.  If you want to sell your wife on chastity play, don't tell her you need a chastity device because you masturbate too much.  Tell her you want a chastity device because it would be something fun to do together.


  1. *nods* Sometimes women would rather send a guy to masturbate than be bothered by him.

    What first really "sold" me was that it was undeniable proof that he was happy to spend the weekend helping me with things like cleaning and shopping, and pleasuring me, without expecting anything in return.

    Along those lines, for the type of sensual dominant woman that I am, a boy who *whines* about being in chastity after he has requested is a major turn off. A man who works to please me, while making the chastity an easy ritual that we share is quickly finding himself unlocked to please me more intimately!

    BUT he must be ready show that he means it when he says he is there for my pleasure, and that he really does not expect more.

    Ironic, but true!

  2. Great post.

    For me it came about because I found my servile role was noticablly improved after three weeks of chastity and wanted to be past that point most of the time, which meant about a two month cycle. I could not do so on my own and need the help my CB-6Ks provides. With it, I am past three months, one week. ;-}

  3. Thanks for the comments Mistress Magick and subservient-husband,

    MM, I totally agree. Whether in a D/s relationship, or not, I can't even begin to imagine how annoying it must be for the chaste man to start whining about release, when he was the one who asked for it in the first place.

    s-h, I think I have a whole blog post gelling in my head about "sub drop after orgasm". We've been discussing it a bit on the Chastity Forums. It's a fascinating topic.

  4. Hey Mike,

    Yes, you did reference me correctly. Thanks for that! And good clarification of your thoughts, too. Now we can respectfully stop disagreeing. LOL.

    As for masturbation, that's a huge, multi-faceted issue that I don't think men and women take enough time to fully understand. That's a topic worthy of its own blog post. I have touched on it a bit in my blog, as you know, but it is an issue that warrants several conversations.


  5. Oh good, my post went through this time!


  6. Blogspot has an intelligent filtering capability. Apparently, you can't append a comment unless you agree with me! ;-p