Monday, December 27, 2010

Themes that rub her "happy chastity" buttons

So, for the purposes of this post, as most of them, I assume that the chastity device wearer is male, and the keyholder is female.  That's the case for the overwhelming majority of couples dabbling in chastity anyway.  I'll also assume that the couple is NOT in a D/s relationship, but rather doing chastity play as a bedroom game.  As I've stated before, I assume this represents the majority of couples.

It's difficult for me to speak to the motivations of a woman holding the keys, since I'm not one.  However, I've been involved in forums and conversations about chastity for years.  Hopefully I can do some justice to the topic.

The Challenges
Obviously, being a keyholder has its challenges.  A KH is assuming responsibility for the sexual fulfillment of the wearer as well as herself.  That's a lot of responsibility, and she may not really want it.  Also, a KH may feel a tension  between keeping him locked up, and having access to his penis for her own pleasure.  I think overcoming those challenges is a topic for a LOT of blog posts, few of which I'm qualified to discuss.  However, I can relate some comments from KH's I've heard about enjoying about chastity play. There are a few common threads I've picked up on:

The Rewards

Reduced pressure for sex - A lot of keyholders state that it's a relief to not feel pressured for sex all the time.  In their normal, vanilla marriage, they may have felt obligated to perform occasionally, even when they didn't want to.  Once the KH becomes comfortable with the Power Exchange of chastity play, she comes to discover that if she's not in the mood, she doesn't have to.  Being the sole person in charge of deciding "yes or no" tonight removes a lot of frustration or guilt she may have felt previously.

Security - Some KH's report that they feel a sense of security when their man is locked in the chastity device.  Some even feel anxious or irritable when their man is not wearing.  Perhaps it's some mild anxiety about infidelity, but more likely, it's an anxiety that the man is masturbating because she may not be meeting his sexual needs.   Once he's locked up, the woman knows that she is the sole provider of his sexual experience, and that it will happen on her terms.

Romance & Attraction - Many men struggle with (or enjoy) feeling emasculated by wearing a chastity device for their woman.  However, the experience for women seems to be totally different.  Many women report feeling that it's a romantic gesture for their man to devote their sexuality to them exclusively.  Since men are so in love with their own penis, it's perceived as a sign of true devotion if ht is willing to give up control in this way.

Better Sex - It seems counter-intuitive that a having a man's penis locked up would lead to better sex, but it often does.  Chastity play helps redefine the goals of sex.  Couples often fall into the trap that sex is defined around the male orgasm.  If his orgasm is taken out of the mix, the needs of the woman become the primary concern.  Her orgasms become the focus of attention.  Since many women don't experience orgasms easily via penetration anyway, the penis isn't really necessary for the woman to have great sex. 

Attention - Many men report submissive feelings while in chastity.  Quite often, they redirect their sexual energies into doing things to please their KH.   Even if they're not in a D/s relationship, this attention can be quite pleasing to the woman.

Control - This is more of a D/s notion.  However, many women grow to enjoy the sense of control, and the power exchange of chastity play.  It's not uncommon for chastity play to become a bridge to more power exchange.  Some couples start with chastity, and branch into pain play, cross-dressing or other expressions of Dominance and submission.   Chastity may become a "gateway kink" leading the couple to lots of other avenues.

In Conclusion

These were some common themes I've seen among women who discuss chastity play.  I'd love for women to comment on their thoughts on this one.  There is such a large disparity in numbers between men interest in chastity and women, that the men really need a hand in understanding a woman's motivations.  I hope this post is somewhat helpful in that regard, but ladies, please do set me straight if you have other thoughts!


  1. Great post Mike. I would love to know if another benefit, perhaps to both, is the innate intimacy that grows from chastity play. It just seems intuitive that a higher level of intimacy comes from the communication involved to bringing this play into the bedroom, and hopefully continues to grow as time goes on. I always appreciate the lady's point of view on this subject too.

  2. Great discussion on the reweards of chastity. Thanks~